Top O' the News

Top O' the morning to ye!

Er, something like that.

I'm not Irish.  At all.

Lazy Dad thought he was Irish and then I reminded him he is a little bit Scottish.  To which he retorted, "Well, it's something over there!"

But I think he makes up the Scottish thing anyway to explain his red hair.  Or at least his family does.

But to prove his "Irishness" he made us all green eggs and "ham" this morning.

I say "ham" because we didn't have any ham, so it's really green eggs and turkey.  Which just doesn't sound the same now does it?

And I'm not real sure what green eggs and ham have to do with St. Patrick's Day anyway.  Seems like it should be green potatoes and lamb.  Or something like that.

In other news, I preached a three-point sermon to Lazy Dad over the phone yesterday morning.

What? He preaches to me EVERY week.

Whether I ask for it or not!

Besides, he needed fresh material.

Besides, my sermon was WAY shorter.

Besides, I preach like a girl anyway.

In more other news, I asked a stranger to tuck my shirt tag in the other day.  It was itching the FIRE out of me and I couldn't reach it.

Is that weird?

You just have to know which stranger to ask is all.  Men are out. All of them.  Unless it's your husband.  But then he wouldn't be a stranger.

So that narrows it down for you... you know you have to find a woman.  But not just any woman, a woman who looks very helpful.  Snarling women are out.  As well as ones that look in a hurry.

I found the PERFECT woman... she was the sales clerk (do people use that term anymore?) at Kohl's Department Store. So she WANTED to be helpful, right?

I went in for the kill, "Um, excuse me... can I ask you a really strange favor?"

"Yes! What can I help you with?"

(I knew I was in now)

I started to take off my jacket, "Can you tuck my shirt tag in? It's itching me to death!" And then I slouched off my jacket and turned my back to her.

"Um, surrrre."

(Too late for her to back out now)

"Thank you!"

For the record, I didn't see her again the whole time I was in the store.  I think I traumatized her.  She was probably back in the darkened break room crouched in a corner with a look of horror on her face the rest of the day.  Or until I left.

In even more other news, I've been ROCKING the church van all week.

Wait. *blush* Let me rephrase that... I've been DRIVING the church van all week.

My car is in the shop so in the meantime I get to drive the totally awesome church van.

With our church info on the side of it.

Which makes driving a real pain.

Cause you have to be all perfect and smiley and nice and stuff.

I mean, I'm all perfect and smiley and nice and stuff ANYWAY, *ahem* but it's still exhausting!

In fact, when I was walking out of Kohl's the other day when I traumatized that poor store clerk (do people use that term anymore?) I stopped ON THE SIDEWALK in front of the store to get my hood up on my head because it was raining.  As I was busy getting my hood up standing still ON THE  SIDEWALK a lady in a car honked her horn at me and waved at me to pass in front of her like she was all annoyed to wait on me as I stood still ON THE SIDEWALK putting my hood on.

So I looked up and pointed to my hood and mouthed, "Uh, I was putting my hood on," as I crossed in front of her.

Then I realized two things....
1. I probably shouldn't cross in front of someone that's in a car all annoyed with me.
2. I had to walk to the church van WITH OUR CHURCH INFO ON THE SIDE and get in it.

*sigh*

Why don't I ever stop and think about these things BEFORE I get annoyed with people that are annoyed with me, hmm?

Anyway, to end this blog post (are you shouting Hallelujah yet?) I thought I'd let you know that I have narrowed down the choices for where I live for you.

There's only 49 other states to guess from now.

And my Mt. Rushmore blemish isn't going away anytime soon.

Over and Out.

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Posted in: stories